Can I Get Your Number?
There I was, sitting on this chick’s chest while she blew me. She moved her hand up to grab me and I noticed a phone number written on the back of her hand. “Hey, who’s number is that?”
She glanced at it and blushed, “Oh, I haven’t showered in 3 days, so that must be the guy I met 3 days ago.”
“Cool.” It was going to take a lot more than that to phase me.
After we finished, she asked if she could pop a pimple on my back. Actually, I’d like to pretend she asked, but she popped it first and then told me.
Myspace Leaks - I Waste My Time
On January 17th, 2008, an article was posted claiming Myspace.com had managed to leak a huge amount of private photos. On January 25, I found a torrent file for all of these photos. Naturally, I clicked and began my download. Tons of private photos from Myspace? There was bound to be that girl I had class with in college naked. I totally knew she was the type, even though she denied using Myspace. Slut.
Anyways, the quest was on to download this 17gb file. Yup, Seventeen. Gigabytes. Not only was I going to download the biggest porn file in the world, I was going to find tons of pictures to blackmail people with. Mexico, here I come!
The thing about torrent files is they come in multiple parts, so you can open files without the entire download being finished. Two days later and my first completed file was safe on my hard drive, ready to be unzipped and browsed. I unzipped, and lo and behold, over 32,000 files in just this one part. Oh man was I in heaven. I eagerly began my browsing. Let me take this chance to share some more interesting of the pictures found in these tombs.
Yup. Those are some of the better pictures found. Talk about a huge disappointment. Tom completely wasted my time with this private picture crap. Any website with real prestige would have better private pictures than this. Never one to give up, I decided to scour the files once more. As luck would have it, I found some women. Not necessarily the kind of women I was looking for, but some women nonetheless. Hey, beggars can’t be choosers.
After such lovely finds, I did myself a favor and deleted all 17gb of shitty Myspace photos. I’m going to stick to proven methods and continue watching BangBus.
Once In A Lifetime Opportunities
The girlfriend and I were standing close together at work, gazing deeply into each other’s eyes, reflecting in the moment of a peaceful, romantic break. As we leaned in for a kiss, I heard a spectacular and unique sound emitting from the television. I broke away from her arms and yelled with glee, “Double Jeopardy!” She was not amused. Its lifetime opportunities like these that you just can’t pass up. Damn I love Alex Trebek.
Pink Lines
The girlfriend called me from a thousand miles away. “I need you to go to the dollar store and get me some pregnancy tests.” She politely asked demanded.
“What? I’ve never gotten those before. I can’t start now!”
She spent a couple more minutes trying to talk me into it. In defense, I just gave her man-grunts in response to the pleading. Finally, she informed me she was about to get mad at me, so she was going to hang up. Little did she know that despite my non-committal grunts I told myself I would do it and just not let her know. She was coming home from a vacation and I wanted her to be happy. I just hoped she didn’t go out and get the tests on her own. “Fuck man, I don’t like it, but I’ll do it. If that ain’t love baby I don’t know what is. You can make it through this brotha.” I was talking myself up for this epic journey. Then I went and surfed the Internet for porn.
A couple hours later I remembered I needed to hit up the Dollar Store. It was going to close in about thirty minutes. I went and made a pot of coffee and drank it way too fast along with a bunch of sugar. On my way over to the store, I began thinking and planning what I’d say if anyone asked about my purchase. “Oh this is for my friend, not me.” They’ll definitely believe me, I’m sure that happens all the time. Sometimes I wonder how I managed to get so naïve.
I must tell you, having never bought a pregnancy test before, those fuckers are a bitch to find. First I looked in the bleach section. You’d think that’d make sense. If you’re in the Dollar Store for a pregnancy test, chances are you’re just going to head over to the bleach section right after anyways. Unfortunately, the pregnancy tests were not on Aisle 8, Household & Cleaning. Next I went to the Weed Killer area. Still no luck. I was beginning to wonder, does the Dollar Store even carry pregnancy tests? I had my doubts. I was getting desperate and even looked in the toys aisle and the greeting cards aisle. Hey, don’t judge me, I was willing to look anywhere in the store at this point. I was beyond reason, I needed a fucking pregnancy test.
A worker saw me walking up and down the aisles over and over, contemplated helping me, then walked the other way. So I chased her fat ass down and asked for help. “Where are the…pregnancy tests?” I asked softly. “The what?” I glared back at her, not amused by her antics. “The pregnancy tests.” This was harder than I thought. “Aisle 6. That way.” A swift point to the left.
I was on my way! Ah ha! Aisle 6, Diapers. Who’d have known this was where pregnancy tests were kept? I scoured the shelves on both sides for a test. I only had an inkling of an idea of what to look for. Finally I found one! Alas, it was already opened and the pregnancy test stolen. Fucking Dollar Store in the middle of the ghetto.
I went back to the lady and showed her the empty box. “Do you have any more in the back or something?” I asked lamely. She walked me back over to the aisle and pulled out “the last” pregnancy test, still in the box, from behind a stack of diapers. The bitch was stashing them from people, and I can’t say I blamed her.
Finally I arrive at the counter to purchase the “last” pregnancy test in the store. It goes pretty smoothly for the first few moments, and then the two ladies working take note of my purchase. The interrogations started. “Are you for yes or no?” The one not working asked. “Oh no, its for my friend. This isn’t for me.” I gave the wrong answer and they both let me know immediately and called me out on my lies. “We know its for you, buddy, so what are you hoping for?”
Finally I broke down. “Okay okay, you caught me. Its not for a friend. Its actually for me. I just drank a fucking pot of coffee so I can piss the fuck out of this thing as soon as I get home.” I patted my stomach for emphasis before continuing. “I’m hoping for a girl cause Taniquia already has 4 boys. All different fathers. She’s a nice girl.”
I got the blank stare in return. The clerks were not amused. I am too White to get away with such bold statements. “No really, are you wanting a baby or not? I want to know.” She was persistent. I decided to give her an honest answer. “If its positive, I’ll be very happy for us, if its negative, then we’ll still be very happy with each other, although I’m sure she’ll be more disappointed than me. She’s got baby-feva.” Oh god, how fucking sappy and romantic have I become? I make myself sick, someone shoot me.
I finally got my change and started to walk out. The girl called out to me, “I like messing with guys when they buy those, but you’re nice.” I paused and turned my head to smile and thank her. “You’re really nice guy, good luck,” she yelled again. And with that, I was on my way back home, a single pregnancy test in hand and ready to pee my pants. Fucking coffee.
A Year of Changes
A year can make a huge difference in a person’s life. Like mine. I was pretty arrogant a year ago. Actually, I’m still pretty arrogant.
A year ago, I was in a sex club, specifically the Power Exchange in San Francisco watching the girl I went with as a “couple” eat some random woman’s pussy while her husband and I sucked on her tits. We also watched several girls all fuck each other, men line up to face-fuck a tranny, and many different couples fucking. Everything was sans-condom, although there were free condoms all over. I had too much stage fright to fuck her in front of so many people, but I did make my girl scream like mad in orgasm. That was my birthday present from her. She took me to an extravagant dinner and we slept in an extravagant hotel where the headboard kept the neighbors up all night. That doesn’t even touch on the massive drinking done the days before. It was definitely the best birthday I’ve ever had.
So what did I do to top that birthday this year? I woke up at 3am to work from 3:30am till 6pm. I sold antiques and collectible junk to collectors, dealers, and the general public at an antique show. The crazy thing? I had a blast doing that. I hustled like mad and sold so much stuff. I had between 20 and 30 people shopping at my vendor section the entire day. It was an amazing party scene in its own aspect. After selling, I went home and slept for a day and a half.
One year makes a huge difference. Instead of waiting for specific days out of the year to have a great time, I’ve made most of my days out of the year become a great time for me. Don’t get any false notions I’m any more mature.
Who Would Have Known
I originally started this site with the intention that girls would miraculously send me pictures of their boobs with “holllaa.com” written on them. The first girl did it out of pity for me, and the second girl was bribed. For some reason no one else seemed interested. Hell if I know why. Of course, all the guys I showed this to sent me pictures of their tits. Figures, huh? Two years later, I deleted everything and started a blog. I’m still accepting naked pictures of girls. I’ll hold my breath.