Pink Lines
The girlfriend called me from a thousand miles away. “I need you to go to the dollar store and get me some pregnancy tests.” She politely asked demanded.
“What? I’ve never gotten those before. I can’t start now!”
She spent a couple more minutes trying to talk me into it. In defense, I just gave her man-grunts in response to the pleading. Finally, she informed me she was about to get mad at me, so she was going to hang up. Little did she know that despite my non-committal grunts I told myself I would do it and just not let her know. She was coming home from a vacation and I wanted her to be happy. I just hoped she didn’t go out and get the tests on her own. “Fuck man, I don’t like it, but I’ll do it. If that ain’t love baby I don’t know what is. You can make it through this brotha.” I was talking myself up for this epic journey. Then I went and surfed the Internet for porn.
A couple hours later I remembered I needed to hit up the Dollar Store. It was going to close in about thirty minutes. I went and made a pot of coffee and drank it way too fast along with a bunch of sugar. On my way over to the store, I began thinking and planning what I’d say if anyone asked about my purchase. “Oh this is for my friend, not me.” They’ll definitely believe me, I’m sure that happens all the time. Sometimes I wonder how I managed to get so naïve.
I must tell you, having never bought a pregnancy test before, those fuckers are a bitch to find. First I looked in the bleach section. You’d think that’d make sense. If you’re in the Dollar Store for a pregnancy test, chances are you’re just going to head over to the bleach section right after anyways. Unfortunately, the pregnancy tests were not on Aisle 8, Household & Cleaning. Next I went to the Weed Killer area. Still no luck. I was beginning to wonder, does the Dollar Store even carry pregnancy tests? I had my doubts. I was getting desperate and even looked in the toys aisle and the greeting cards aisle. Hey, don’t judge me, I was willing to look anywhere in the store at this point. I was beyond reason, I needed a fucking pregnancy test.
A worker saw me walking up and down the aisles over and over, contemplated helping me, then walked the other way. So I chased her fat ass down and asked for help. “Where are the…pregnancy tests?” I asked softly. “The what?” I glared back at her, not amused by her antics. “The pregnancy tests.” This was harder than I thought. “Aisle 6. That way.” A swift point to the left.
I was on my way! Ah ha! Aisle 6, Diapers. Who’d have known this was where pregnancy tests were kept? I scoured the shelves on both sides for a test. I only had an inkling of an idea of what to look for. Finally I found one! Alas, it was already opened and the pregnancy test stolen. Fucking Dollar Store in the middle of the ghetto.
I went back to the lady and showed her the empty box. “Do you have any more in the back or something?” I asked lamely. She walked me back over to the aisle and pulled out “the last” pregnancy test, still in the box, from behind a stack of diapers. The bitch was stashing them from people, and I can’t say I blamed her.
Finally I arrive at the counter to purchase the “last” pregnancy test in the store. It goes pretty smoothly for the first few moments, and then the two ladies working take note of my purchase. The interrogations started. “Are you for yes or no?” The one not working asked. “Oh no, its for my friend. This isn’t for me.” I gave the wrong answer and they both let me know immediately and called me out on my lies. “We know its for you, buddy, so what are you hoping for?”
Finally I broke down. “Okay okay, you caught me. Its not for a friend. Its actually for me. I just drank a fucking pot of coffee so I can piss the fuck out of this thing as soon as I get home.” I patted my stomach for emphasis before continuing. “I’m hoping for a girl cause Taniquia already has 4 boys. All different fathers. She’s a nice girl.”
I got the blank stare in return. The clerks were not amused. I am too White to get away with such bold statements. “No really, are you wanting a baby or not? I want to know.” She was persistent. I decided to give her an honest answer. “If its positive, I’ll be very happy for us, if its negative, then we’ll still be very happy with each other, although I’m sure she’ll be more disappointed than me. She’s got baby-feva.” Oh god, how fucking sappy and romantic have I become? I make myself sick, someone shoot me.
I finally got my change and started to walk out. The girl called out to me, “I like messing with guys when they buy those, but you’re nice.” I paused and turned my head to smile and thank her. “You’re really nice guy, good luck,” she yelled again. And with that, I was on my way back home, a single pregnancy test in hand and ready to pee my pants. Fucking coffee.